Feeding the Hungry Hordes

I am a kind, giving person. The spirit of charity oozes through my very pores. If my charitable spirit were any oozier, Id need a mop.

I hope you believe me, because Im an honest person, too. Honesty runs through my veins, splints to my vital organs, and then jogs back to my heart. My kind of honesty is plaque deserving.

Im telling you these things because I have an incredible tale to tell. I have suffered terrible injuries.the second hair on my left eyelash is still in a cast..all, because I went on a charitable mission of mercy.

Me and mercy missions just dont mix.

Here is my sad, sad saga:

Last month, I was sitting at home watching the last three minutes of the news. I limit myself to only three news minutes a day, because of my kind, empathetic nature. If I listened to any more news, Id be crying over all those tales of woe.

Now, dont start thinking Im a dummy because Im a news limiter. I do like to learn. Theres a lot of information in those infomercials.

Anyway.Im sitting there listening to the news, when an anguished young reporter starts talking about the hungry hordes over there in Atlanta. I live in Georgia, so I figure that I had nothing better to do that week-end, except get married, so I should go on over to Atlanta to help feed those poor, hungry people.

I went to the store, got a bunch of groceries, and came home to prepare them. Let me tell you folks.I busted my butt and my budget at Bilos. Remember, when I said I am charitable? Well, Im not balony and bean charitable. Uh-huhnot me. I was going to give those folks a veritable feast.

Things got ugly before I even left for Atlanta.

See, the plan was that my sweetheart, Jim would drive me because I hate long distance driving. Well, while I was getting out my rolling papers to smoke the salmon, he started complaining.

Jim: Im glad that you have such a charitable heart, my darling, gorgeous, Edie.but wheres dinner?

Me: Sweetheart, its hard to listen to you, while Im trying to fit this stupid fish inside this tiny rolling paper. Whatever youre looking for, Im sure its lying around here somewhere. Have you checked your pants pocket?

Jim:My darling sexy Edie, I am asking you about my dinner. And, please, stop licking that paper. That is NOT the way to smoke salmon.

You need a pipe.

Me: (Cough, cough, cough, gasp, wheeee-ze) God, I hope those starving people know what suffering Im going through for them.

Jim: Im getting hungry. What if I got down on my hands and knees..?

Me: Dont do that. Thats your sex beg, and Im too busy choking on fish fumes right now.

Jim: I guess Ill be forced to look in the refrigerator, myself.

Me, pointing at the refrigerator contents: See.theres plenty. Youve got a pickle, two tablespoons of mayonnaise, and a candy bar. Wait.I need that chocolate for my low blood sugar.but you still have that pickle and the mayonaise. Make yourself a yummy pickle tapa.

Jim: My sophisticated, charming hot chick of a girlfiend, Im begging you to feed me something.anything.

Me: Look, do you know how hard it is to keep up with the Joneses? Do you realize what our neighbor, Betty, did last month? She homed the homessless, shoed the shoeless, and clothed the clothesless. By the way, that strip joint down the street is closing because of her.

My point is that in order to compete with Little Miss Sunshine, I need to be sunnier, kinder, and givier. Look, youre not going to get any of this food. Sometimes, you have to be selfish to be altruistic.

Jim: Please

Me: No. Taking the time to feed you will interfere with my spiritual growth. I just cant WAIT to show up that neighbor of ours.

Jim: Well, youre taking the bus, then. Im going to be busy looking for something to eat. By the way, did you say that Betty is a foodless feeder?

Me: Fine, if my pickles not good enough for you, then go to Betty! Let her satisfy that ravenous appetite of yours! Were through. Im packing my basket and going to Atlanta!

With tears in my eyes and a candy bar in my hand, I left the smoked salmon in the ashtray, and proceeded to pack up the champagne and caviar. I caught the first bus out to Atlanta.

Tears stream down my cheeks like little bitty twin rivers as I recall what happened that fateful dayto poor little me.

I remember being on that Greyhound bus to Atlanta, my head leaning back aginast the headrest, my eyelids closed..desperately needing to go peeknowing that I could not go pee.because I was on a %!

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